Washington D.C., a city accustomed to being held hostage by gridlock, bureaucratic paralysis, and the occasional motorcade, found itself at a standstill for an entirely different reason this week — and this one is considerably harder to explain at a dinner party.
An adult toy, spotted in a D.C. neighborhood, managed to bring traffic to a screeching halt for nearly two hours, proving once and for all that the nation’s capital will stop for almost anything if it looks suspicious enough.
Authorities responded to the scene with the kind of sober professionalism that must have required truly heroic levels of straight-faced dedication. After all, there’s a certain poetry in a city that can’t agree on a federal budget somehow achieving complete bipartisan unity over a rogue bedroom accessory sitting on a public street.
Residents and commuters — already veterans of D.C.’s legendarily nightmarish traffic — were treated to the novel experience of being stuck not because of a Senate vote running long or a visiting dignitary’s 47-vehicle convoy, but because someone’s, shall we say, personal property had apparently made a bid for freedom and chosen the worst possible moment to do so.
The nearly two-hour standstill gave stranded drivers ample time to contemplate many of life’s great mysteries, chief among them: how did it get there, and does anyone have the nerve to claim it?
Local officials have not announced whether any charges will be filed, leaving open the burning question of what, exactly, one charges a person with in this scenario. Littering seems technically accurate but spiritually insufficient.
The device has since been removed, traffic has resumed its normal state of merely being terrible, and D.C. has added yet another chapter to its already deeply unhinged civic history.
Somewhere, a congressional staffer is drafting a strongly worded memo.
Source: USA Today
Original story via Reddit Offbeat
