Jersey City, New Jersey — Authorities are on the hunt for a man suspected of committing what can only be described as the most unhinged crime to waddle across a police blotter this summer: the alleged manual strangulation of a goose.
Yes, you read that correctly. A goose. With his hands. On purpose.
Jersey City police are actively searching for a construction worker who allegedly grabbed one of the city’s famously bold and boundary-challenged Canada geese and choked the life out of it. Because apparently, whatever that goose did — and geese can *absolutely* be provocateurs — the suspect decided that the appropriate escalation was first-degree waterfowl homicide.
For those unfamiliar with Canada geese, these are not gentle, retiring creatures. They are the feathered equivalent of that one guy at the gym who stares you down while using the machine you’re clearly waiting for. They hiss. They chase. They leave evidence of their presence absolutely everywhere. They have essentially unionized public parks across the northeastern United States and negotiated zero consequences for their behavior.
And still — STILL — the correct response is not to strangle one.
Local residents, many of whom have personally been menaced by Jersey City’s goose population, found themselves in the philosophically uncomfortable position of simultaneously understanding the frustration and being absolutely appalled by the outcome.
The suspect remains at large, which means somewhere out there is a man who looked a goose dead in its beady little eyes and chose chaos. Investigators are asking anyone with information to come forward.
The goose, for its part, is unavailable for comment.
Original story via Reddit Not The Onion
